I had a "comedy" column in a school newpaper, so this was one of my attempts at being funny. The column was called "Soliloquy Of Chaos."

- Britain's House of Lords recently concluded 12 days of hearings to determine whether former Chilean dictator Gen. Augusto Pinochet is immune from arrest and extradition to Spain on charges of torture, kidnapping, and murder. The conclusion to these hearings came abruptly as members of the House of Lords suddenly realized that they had absolutely no power at all and if they did actually try to hand down a decision on the matter they would be laughed all the way back to 1832 by the House of Commons...

- Mexico has began a new war on narcotics by allocating 400-500 million dollars over the next three years to buy new planes, ships, and equipment. Interior Secretary Francisco Labastiba Ochua was quoted as saying "This is the most ambitious anti-drug effort that has ever been undertaken by our country." His statement really doesn't mean much though when one considers that Mexico's previous anti-drug effort consisted of a Chris Farley memorial concert in Mexico City with performances from Phish and the Dave Mathews Band...

- The Pope's top theologian, Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger, will soon hold a conference with Bishops from the United States in San Francisco to discuss and better understand topics such as homosexuality and feminism. As for why Cardinal Ratzinger would talk to Bishops from the United States about such subjects, someone was quoted as saying "If you want to learn about basketball you talk to Michael Jordan, if you want to learn about Physics you talk to Stephen Hawking, and if you want to learn about homosexuality with young boys you talk to high ranking American Catholic Clergy"...

- Delegates from about 170 nations met recently in Columbia to negotiate an international biotechnology safety treaty that could restrict exports of food and other products made using genetic engineering. When asked why these steps were necessary one delegate replied "If you allow people to export grapes genetically engineered not to have seeds it's only a matter of time before some ego-maniacal mad scientist armed with a genetically engineered army of super-men enslaves the world under his fascist regime"...

- The French carmaker Renault officially agreed to take a stake in the troubled Nissan Motor Company with the intention of strengthening the competitiveness of both companies. If the past is any indicator of where help from the French will get you, the company will fold soon after it faces any real challenge from the German auto makers...

- Endangered Asian elephants are dying from a herpes virus found in their African cousins they only encounter in zoos. When informed of this, Nation of Islam leader Louis Farakkahn immediately blamed racism and the Jew-run Hollywood for these findings...

- Iraq recently warned Kuwait and Saudi Arabia to stop allowing the United States and Britain to use military bases in their countries to carry out attacks against Iraq, and threatened to retaliate if they fail to do so. It's easy to see why they would make such threats when you consider how well it turned out for them the last time they attacked Kuwait and Saudi Arabia...

- Consumer Reports released a report saying that U.S. produce, including some of the fruits and vegetables preferred by children, tended to have more toxic residue than imported produce. This means we can finally add "poisoning our youth" to the list of things that America does better than any other nation on this great planet...

- The Huffy Corporation is selling its garden tools unit, the True Temper Hardware Company, to New Jersey manufacturer U.S. Industries. Huffy's move was prompted by a company-wide urge to focus more on what the company does best: making bicycles kids everywhere are ashamed to be caught riding...

- The United States found itself under attack from both friend and foe during the first week of the United Nations Human Rights Commission's annual meeting, as Germany announced it would submit an anti-death penalty resolution to the commission. This is the latest of the thousands of attempts made by the Krauts to try and get the world to forget about the Holocaust...

- Dr. Bertrand Piccard and Brain Jones sailed into history recently when their Brietling Orbiter 3 completed the first non-stop balloon trip around the world - a goal many had sought but never achieved. This is a milestone in human travel as we can finally traverse great distances without use of rail, boat, horse-drawn buggy, or the new (and still experimental) horseless carriage. I am looking forward to the balloon frenzy that is sure to spawn from this great accomplishment...

- The border conflict between Ethiopia and Eritrea worsened recently as Ethiopia began air strikes against an Eritrean position near Tsorona. The two nations agreed to halt air strikes last June, when they realized the closest thing either of them had to an airplane was a few pieces of a plane that had been crashed by a drunken Russian pilot in 1972, and decided agreeing to halt air strikes was the best way to save international face. The issue became a problem again when Ethiopians began fashioning the cardboard boxes from U.N. emergency food rations into large paper airplanes, walking up to the Ethiopian/Eritrean boarder, and sailing the planes into Eritrean airspace. Early casualty reports say that one Eritrean almost had his eye put out by one of the unexpected Ethiopian projectiles...